It’s been one year to date since I got hospitalized for my las pregnancy. 6 weeks later our miracle was born.

There are moments I cant even look at these old photos and to be honest its even hard for the kids to look at Stella’s newborn photos. I do think that its important to recover as a family, because we each took away a different experience, and that may look different to all of us.

One whole year has literally flown by. I have been distracting my mind so that I wouldn’t have to actually sit with my feelings.

I thought that my experience made me stronger, but in some ways it has taken over my mind. What I mean by that is that it has made me SO much more aware of my on going thoughts. Because Stella was so prem, and at any point her life can be taken away, the nurses and Doctors made it clear that it’s  imperative to keep a positive mind when with her.

There was no way I wasn’t going to commit to that for her. Little did I know she was brought to us to do that exact thing for us!

Lately it has been consuming my thoughts. I can’t stop thinking about what a miracle Stella is, how we could have lost her, how I almost died, the 6 long ass weeks in the hospital, conversations with the nurses, the pains I had, the exact medication I took at the exact times. It just doesn’t stop!

It’s as if I now have some sort of Postpartum.  Im sure its called PTSD.  There are so many things that no one talks to you about after giving birth or after a stay at the NICU. 

Really it wouldn’t have made a difference knowing all the possible things that could go wrong but what would have helped is knowing how as a family we could have received help. Thats why im sharing all of this with you so that you may find some comfort through your journey. So here goes…….

First off you will be in sudden shock mode, as I to call it. You will see your baby and think wow he/she not that small, and then suddenly one day it will hit you like a ton of bricks and you mite have a meltdown, and guess what?! THATS OK! its all part of it!

Second, there will be some fantastic days and there will be shitty days that you mite want to give up! But remember that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, and when you think you can’t handle it any more, turn to him and pray. Prayer got us through so much!

Third, your marriage mite get a litte crazy. between no sleet, back and forth to the hospital and no time for each other. If you have other kids both of your emotions will be super high so be patient with one another. Nurture YOUR relationship. Escape and have some quality time, date nights, its SO SO SO important I cant stress this enough! You two need each other NOW more than ever!

Fourth, you have other children spend time with them too. take a day off and allow other family to come to the hospital to spend time with new baby and go and have a family fun day.

Fifth, this is the most important one, well for me it was. Seak some family conseling for yourself and your spouse. Its so great to talk to someone who doesnt know you, cant judge you and shit sometimes you want to vent and complain about how hard this journey has been, but you dont want to sound ungratefull or selfish! YOU NEED THIS, give yourself this gift and give yourself permission.

Lastly, you are doing an amazing job! You are doing the best you can and trust the process!

Through all of this I have read several books and talked to several people and this was one of the activities that really really helped!

I have decided to write a letter to myself from my old self.....you mite think I’m crazy but oh well..........

Dear Rosanna,

As I sit here writing you this letter I want you to know, that straight up the pain you felt when you were 33 you will feel when you are 103.

If you didn’t experience this pain and suffering you wouldn’t  know your worth. You were put in that situation for a purpose, because you can handle it! Your children were given to you because just as much as they need you, YOU NEED THEM.

Fil, your sweet sweet Fil, all these small petty things will disappear and what will be left is your endless love. The love you sparked between the two of you on your first ice cream date.

You see you are meant for one another. You are meant to be honest, and as a reflection to one another. You balance each other and hold each other accountable, you will truly know the meaning of this sooner than you think.

If I can give you a pice of advice, pray your pain away, give it all to God. Turn to him when you lose hope.

Minutes Seconds and hours pass quick, and when I say quick I mean fast rite before your eyes! Seas those moments, be present in every act and Trust that this too shall pass. Focus, focus on you, on your love for one another and all else will just be!

Love Ro