These days nature has been my bff! Getting out there and breathing has cleared my mind in ways I couldn have ever imagined.
2018 was tough. I didn’t realize how hard it hit me till now, now that i’m taking the time to sit with my thoughts. To be honest it’s something I have been avoiding. I guess its my coping mechanism.
At times I can’t even relive the “story” and there are moments FIl talks about it with family or friends, and I would have to ask him to stop.
At times it creeps up on me, the pain, the fear, the anger. Learning to cope and overcome the trauma has been a journey on its own. Like anything else it takes time to heal. I have learned that healing is something that looks different for each of us. Only time will allow us to learn the tools on how to cope and manage our trauma. Daily practices definitely play a huge role on my mood.
Going back to work has been a blessing. I can’t avoid my story when clients ask,I have no choice but to work through it and share. By sharing it has allowed me to heal. It has brought me one step closer.
Stella not only taught me to be patient in general, but to be patient with myself. Being compassionate to myself and allowing my soul to take its time through this healing journey. Something I still struggle with but am aware of. Being aware of yourself is the first step!
I’ll never forget the day these photos were taken. It was day 48 of us being in the hospital and we thought that it was “time” to share some quality moments with the boys, away from the hospital. We decided to take them to Crescent beach. The mom guilt was full on that day. I mean leaving Stella alone at the hospital and even thinking that we were “leaving her behind” haunted me.
The moment my feet hit the sand and water, it was like something came over me. I felt grounded for the first time in a long time. I felt safe.
It was a feeling I had been searching for all along! I believe that there are no mistakes and that things ALWAYS happen for a reason. Something brought me to that very moment to show me what it felt like to be grounded, and to show me that no matter the outcome it was possible to feel that way!
It has taken me awhile to get back to this feeling. When “normal” everyday life hits at times it’s hard to make time for myself. However I know what my mind and spirit needs in order to function at 100% for myself and my family. Sometimes I have to give myself pep talks other time FIl does, but that’s the beauty in growth! With a lot of spiritual work and self reflection I have come to this very moment. No more holding back, anything is possible if you are willing!
It’s a commitment I made myself and something I will not compromise!
What helps you through your journey?