Do you believe in miracles?

Our baby girl has blessed us with miracles from the very beginning, we were so overwhelmed that we didn’t see them, but now it’s crystal clear.

As most of you know I was bed riden for over 6weeks at RCH, at 18 weeks pregnant. It all started when I was 13 weeks pregnant I had a heavy bleed and thought I lost our baby. After numerous ultrasounds and tests I was wrong she was great!

Durring that time I was back and forth to emergency till the day they finally decided to admit me. Once I was admitted they saw that my placenta was detaching. That was when I began to notice the miracles.  

My body had been telling me to rest for quite a while but I kept going. We had just finished the renovations at the salon and that took a huge tole on us, physically. By being bedridden baby was forcing me to pay attention and slow down. I literally wasn’t allowed to even walk!

Another lesson in all this was patience and trust. Patience with myself, my body and really taking time to heal! So many times we struggle with this and we don’t give our bodies what they are asking for. As for trust....in God that he put us on the rite path. That was a miracle all in itself. 

When Stella was born she was a miracle on her own. She came out crying at 26 weeks, eyes wide open. She wasn’t required to be intubated, she was just perfect.

As she grew we noticed that her tummy kept getting distended every time they would feed her. We did many X-rays and nothing ever showed up. It came to a point that no one really knew the cause of this. That’s  when they made the decision to transfer us to BC Children’s Hospital. The Dr. that made the call had not been there for quite some time but thank God he was there that day because he had a feeling something was up! Another miracle.  

Once we got here things just started spiraling down.

After the 60th X-rays hey made the decision to do surgery.

On one of the X-rays they saw that she had a narrowing in the bowel. This constriction  was causing the tummy to expand and make her feel uncomfortable.

During the surgery so may things were running through our mind. Is this going to be ok? Will this effect her quality of life? What if it doesn’t work?  

Once the surgery was done they come in the room and the surgeon looked very surprised. We were worried we thought something had gone wrong. He then looks at us and tell us there was no narrowing in the bowel no signs of anything wrong with it. The only thing hey found was a 2cm cyst on the left ovary that caused the overy to be placed on top of the left bowel, so they “suspect” that that was causing discomfort.

That’s it!!!! If that’s not a miracle then I don’t know what is! All I know is that the power of faith and prayer is infinite! 

In these passed 6 months my faith has grown deeper than anything. It has helped me through all the ups and downs and it gives me hope for great things to come. I feel more connected to my husband and as a family. I have asked God to show me miracles and here they are!!!! 

All you have to do is ask......he is there ready to give!  

Day 72-Surgery Day

Today actually feels like a dream where I feel like I’m going through the motions of life. 

As I sit here waiting while Stella is in surgery  my thoughts take over. A part of me knows she will be ok and the other starts over analyzing the statistics they discuss with you prior to surgery. Then I think about Vincenzo, our first born and how he had to have two surgeries. Soon he will have to have his third. This is  how I overthink everything that has and has not happened yet!

My head is spinning!  

As a human I’m sure you can relate to a ‘moment’ in your life where this has happened.

I reflect back to those moments, they now seam so distant! I try and focus on the present moment and not on the past and the old ugly feelings, or the future and its unknown. I choose to focus on this exact moment.

What can I do in this moment to connect to happiness?

For me, I find prayer and walking helps. Fresh air clears my mind and it allows me breathe!

In moments of trauma, find your happy spot.

If you need to cry then cry! If you need to yell then yell! Let out whatever emotion you need in order to get closer to a happy feeling!  The last thing you want to do is suppress your feelings because chances are they will rise and show up in other ways, like fear, anger or even depression! 

I’m not here to always talk about sad stuff, and this “stuff” is not meant to make you sad but to show you that we are all human and that these days are only “moments” in our lives.

Sharing this with you allows me to grow and to overcome these emotions!

I hope that by sharing these “moments” in my life, you find some peace and encouragement in yours.

Moments in your journey are lessons to be learned. They allow growth and knowledge.

They do not define who you are.  

Rosanna xo  

Day 65

The day you took your first ride in an ambulance and an elevator, the nurses at RCH said you were moving to a penthouse. A small town girl moving up in this world. 

65 days alive and you already have places to go and people to see!  

The reality of it all was that we were headed  to the unknown yet again. A place that had become our “safe place” was no longer. Now we needed to adapt to a new hospital a new room, new nurses and doctors. We are further away from home and each time we leave you we feel farther away from you.  

This time we were sent over to Children’s Hospital because they need to perform a procedure to see if there is a twist in the bowels. If there is they will need to perform surgery.  

The moment we found out, we asked ourselves how much more can we take, how much further can we go? We then began to pray and pray and pray and  In that split second we realized that it wasn’t about us, it was about you. This was your life and your journey. You have accomplished and overcome SO much so far imagine what more is possible! YOU inspire us every day to be strong and when we feel we can’t take it any more we remember how much you have taken and overcome. 

If we look deeper than just our initial feelings we are able to see so much more, so much hope and so many blessings, had that specific doctor not been there that morning to send you off who knows what would have happened, we feel blessed that things lined up the way they did and we feel hopeful that if we need to proceed with this surgery god is always watching over. 

What is important to YOU?

What is important to YOU? Do you ever ask yourself? 

Is it Family? If so, what about family?
Is it time together?
Eating dinner together?
Talking or taking walks together?

I don’t know about you but it’s so easy for me to get caught up in my day to day schedule that sometimes I lose sight of what really matters.  I also make an effort to pay attention to how I feel when I’m doing things that are important to ME. It may be going to yoga or to the gym or even just waking up extra early so that I can have some alone time before the kids wake up. That feeling, and that state of mind, is where we should be all day long. 

I know what your thinking; How is this even possible with kids with them being all over the place? Yes they are and that is the beauty of it! You see, they are watching EVERY move we make and they pick up on everything. 

So next time you lose focus, think about that and bring your mind back to what really is important in that moment - their smile or the way they cry, even try cracking a joke! We are not perfect in any way, but we can be present and conscious every step of the way!

Leave a comment below and tell me what is important to YOU♥️ 

Day 48

Today marks day 48 of Stella being born. Not gonna lie today was mentally draining. Since the last time I wrote she has had a few episodes where they had to take her off her feeds and stricktly do an IV feed. 

Each and every time it is mentally draining. They run x-rays, do blood work, and there are always so manny nurses and doctors around.  

Each time I think we get to a stable point and I feel like I can handle it, but it’s definetly been a roller coaster of emotions. I catch myself at times blaming myself for the occurring events, if only I could have kept her in a little longer, if only I would have slowed down. I have been really working on being consistent with my prayer practice and my journaling every day.  

I find that writing down my thoughts has helped immensely! It helps me get rid of any fear and focus on the present moment. Finding gratitude in each day no matter what the day may hold.  

Have you ever experienced yourself over thinking everything ? Yup I’m guilty of that! I recently went back to yoga, not only to get back into shape but to get my mind back into shape. As I grow through my journey I find that when my mind is calm and clear I tend to just do bette. I make better choices and over all feel better. Mental well bein comes first in my opinion over anything! 

 This passed weekend we had the opportunity to get out in nature. We took some time with the kids at the beach. After being in the hospital for so long I felt an abundance of gratitude fill my heart as my toes touched the sand. I forgot what it felt like to be fully present with the earth, and connected to nature. 

Lately I have had constant reminders that life is too short. We walked to get the kids an ice cream and it just so happen that the gentleman who owned the ice cream shop is not doing good in health. He is planning to move back to his home town so that he can pass over there. Reminders are everywhere! Not getting cought up in the little petty things in life, being present in that exact moment, being in a state of just being and TRUSTING that your purpose will shine through takes continued practice.

As each morning approaches I make a conscious choice of how my day is going to be, So find and cherish those small things that allow you to shine, guide, and be guided to a bigger purpose!

Balance

Let’s talk Balance.

Balance can mean different things to different people. What I’m talking about is the balancing act of being human.

At times, I find myself trying to ‘get it all done’ or ‘fit it all in’.  As I grow, I’m learning that what was once important no longer is and as time passes, the flow of life changes as well. I’m also learning that it’s better to go with the change than against it; after all, change means growth and growth blossoms into beautiful magical things!

I am paying more attention to my gut feeling and less attention to the noise and clutter in my head and the outside world.

I take pride in how far I’ve come and in who I have become. I take moments to pause … and appreciate myself and the people who support me.

To all my humans out there, I challenge you to take some time to pause … and do something for yourself that enlightens you and that ultimately brings you peace and joy … today and every day.

love  

Rosanna  

Day 38

Day 38

It’s a bitter sweet moment.  I’m counting down the hours until they discharge me.

I finally get to go home after 38 long days at RCH. This is definitely bitter sweet because baby Girl will not be joining us quite yet. She will have to stay in NICU for about 3 more months.

At this moment, we know she is in the best place for her and has the best care possible.  For this we are grateful and we are also grateful to get to spend some time with our boys to make up for lost moments.

Trusting God’s plan and staring our new chapter!

That was 35 days ago. I felt hopeful,but it was difficult as a part of me wanted to go home to make up for lost time and the other part of me felt guilty for not staying with Stella. The feeling of delivering and then having to leave without your child is unexplainable and something I don’t wish on anyone.

The first few weeks at home are now a blur. I remember walking into our home and a feeling of comfort instantly came over me. The long sleepless nights at the hospital are now a distant memory.

The past 35 days have been filled with lots of family time and routine, which is something we all craved after such a long ‘break’. In between all this, we do hospital visits 2-3 times per day.

One thing we’ve noticed, it has been hard connecting with friends and extended family, as our days are filled with a lot of back and forth. This is something, they say, they all expected.  We are also grateful for their understanding.

When our journey at RCH NICU started, they told us that we would have good days and low days, and they were right. No one can prepare you for the low days.  As a parent, you feel lost and hopeless as there is nothing you can possibly do to help your child. One minute she would be great and the next not so great.  One day a good day and the next not.  I would feel this deep deep sadness come over me, each and everytime there was a set back.

Reality is, that we have been blessed with two other children and at this moment, they are our distractions. If it wasn’t for them,we would be lost! For this we are also grateful!

To be honest, trying to find gratitude through those deep sad moments it extremely difficult, but once I snap out of it I remember- God never gives you anything you can’t handle.  

He blessed us with a gift- a baby girl and she has her own journey.  We are here to support her, but she is here to teach us many valuable lessons! Every hour, every day, is a true blessing! Imagine what life would be like if we all lived like every hour was our last?! 

The unexpected arrival

As you know now, it has been a whirlwind.

On June 6th at 8:20pm I started having full on contractions.  The next thing I know, the delivery team is prepping me for a C-section due to a Placenta Abruption condition.

By 11:45pm our baby girl was born weighing only 830 grams and 13 inches long. All I remember is her having a slight cry and eyes half open, something I didn’t even know was possible at 26 weeks.  

I mean, after everything they have been telling us we had no idea what to expect. 

I got to hold her for about 2 seconds and then … the NICU Doctors swept her away to attend to her.  

This new chapter has begun and as I write this, I feel this sense of closure and peace that no matter what may come next, we did all we could and that baby Stella is safe.  

Day 38 was a bitter sweet moment, counting down the hours until they discharged me.

I finally got to go home after 38 long days at RCH. It’s definitely bitter sweet because our baby Girl will not be joining us quite yet. She will have to stay in NICU for close to 3 more months.

At this moment we know she has the best care possible and we are grateful that we will get some time to spend with our boys to make up for the lost time while I was at the hospital.

Trusting Gods plan and staring our new chapter, the one thing that I can take away from all of this is that, life is so unpredictable and it can all change in the blink of an eye! 

So like some one once told me, love hard and hug hard today because tomorrow is uncertain!  

xo

Rosanna

May 19

We never thought in a million years we would have to “make a decision” to save a life or to give it up. Last night we were asked that question, “Should we have to take the baby out, would you like us to resuscitate, knowing that the quality of life maybe only at a 10%?”

First of all, I was in so much pain again, and high on morphine due to cramping, that I didn’t even know what was happening. Second, how can we make a decision to take away a life not knowing the outcome?

As parents we are constantly marking decisions for our children. No - they shouldn’t have ice cream.  Yes - they can play outside, etc.  But when it comes to life, we can say that any parent would give and do anything to save their child’s life! This experience has put into perspective some decisions that my parents had to make in my childhood that till this day I didn’t understand. Until that very moment when I too was asked a question I simply did not know the answer to.

The ‘clinical explanation’ was that at 23 weeks of pregnancy, it’s still a fetus not a child so how can we let this “fetus” live knowing he or she may have no quality of life.  Knowing we are not yet saving a child who may have a chance at life, which starts to happen only at 24 weeks.

This message is for all my mammas out there who have had to make tough decisions, a decision to let go, or a decision to keep not knowing the outcome, or a decision that was taken away from them and totally out of there control. To all my mammas who are not yet mammas and have no control, keep trusting in the universe and God to grant you a special wish.

No matter what your journey is, be proud of ‘your’ journey.  It is part of you. It makes you stronger and it’s preparing you for something greater than you can ever imagine.

Xo

Rosanna 

QUESTIONS

For some reason I have a vivid memory of my childhood. I’m not sure if it’s actually my memory or a memory based on stories that have been told. The best way to describe it is like a puzzle, some pieces are mine and some are others.

I was born in Vancouver and at the age of one we moved back to Italy where my dad was from. We had a great life! My mom was my bff, I wanted to be exactly like her growing up. Strong, Self sufficient, beautiful but most of all loving and selfless.

Eight years later my sister was born. This is a memory that will stick with me forever.  This is what now I have learned that being a mother changed my own mother.

My sister was two months premature. One month prior to the two months my mom was in and out of the hospital. I remember them asking my mom who the doctors should resuscitate if the C section does not go as planned. There was a 50% chance of survival rate for both of them. What came to follow were three months in hospital, my sister in and out of the incubator for most of that time and me without seeing my mom for many days and months.

One year later we decided to move back to Canada. My dad at this point, had gone through a major traumatic experience with his work and decided that our family would be best in Canada. Since I was older then my sister and needed to start school, my dad and I came here first while my sister and mom stayed back a few months longer to finalize stuff.

I wanted to give you guys a bit of background to really understand why sometimes we are put in situations we can’t explain! For the longest time I could not grasp  or wrap my head around the fact that my mom would let me go to another country without her and for so long. I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t her old self after all these experiences and I have struggled with truly understanding who she really was. I just wanted my old mommy back!

This alone was my struggle I had to overcome.

I was forced to be strong, adapt to whatever situation I was put in and move on!

I have been asking God to help me understand her for so long and he has answered my prayer. Here I am in a similar situation, a situation where things are not in your control and you are forced to just go with it and try your best! And that’s exactly what she did! She tried her best to be the best mom, wife, friend, she could be given the situations she had to face.

As much as this experience has been tough, it has been part of my growth and I am so grateful that I have been put in it to open my heart and truly understand mom.

 “No one and nothing is worth closing your heart for, open your heart and Love Love Love”